Sunday, January 4, 2009

"I Just Want to Be a Part of This"

Last month, Aaron and I hung out with two couples who we are friends with. We found out that the wives are both pregnant, due within a month of each other. After that night, I kept feeling something tugging on me. A small voice inside me wondering when I was going to think of having kids. This wasn't the first time I felt this in the last few months. We were at another friend's house a few months back celebrating her daughter's 1st birthday and the tugging was there too. I chalk it up to my damn biological clock saying "Hey there, you're 25 and married now. How's about repopulating the Earth now?" (The thud you just heard was Aaron fainting. Hang on, I need to revive him and reassure him I'm not pregnant.)

The truth: I don't like being around kids. Seriously, I don't know how to play with them, talk to them, hold them, etc. They make me so uncomfortable. On New Year's Day, Aaron spent the afternoon playing football out in his uncle's yard with his cousins' kids. I stood off to the side and moved out of the way when any child came within 5 feet of me. I just don't know how to be with them! Sure I can admit a kid is cute, but to actually be in the same room... So why in the world was I feeling so jealous of our expecting friends?

Here came the epiphany! It's not because I want a kid myself. It's because the minute a woman becomes pregnant, she gets to join the Mommy Group. They can discuss all sorts of things that I'm not privy to, being without child. At that dinner, our friends sat there and talked about birthing options, ultrasounds, growth rates and what not. I ended up visiting with all the guys at the table, since I had nothing to add to their conversation. And it killed me because I couldn't be a part of it.

I think we all have an innate sense of wanting to belong, to be a part of a group. Unless you're the kind of guy who lives out in the woods in a cabin and sends mail bombs to people, then you're just messed up. Since quite a few of my friends have kids or are having them, I'm no longer on the same life level as them and it truly feels lonely. I know that when I got married, I joined the "Married Ladies" group. However, I have tried my hardest not to make that all of who I am, especially when I hang out with my single friends. Although now I'm seeing there's something different when you move from Married to Mother than when you're just Single to Married.

I'm at a point in my life where even more friends are going to start having kids. This feeling of being left out will probably only get harder from here, since Aaron and I aren't even sure we want kids. I could very easily wake up at 30 and be the only one I know not dealing with diapers, spit up and constant crying.

Hmm, now that I'm reading that last sentence, it doesn't sound too bad. At that point, maybe you're all going to be jealous of me! :)

1 comment:

Erin said...

I could have written this myself :-/